Headlines from March 2018 on THE BEER BEAT.

The Pints & Union build-out continues to be of interest.

This blog has gone on hiatus, probably permanently, and primarily because these days my thoughts about beer are being posted alongside my utterances about everything else, over yonder at NA Confidential. You'll find them there in reverse chronological order via the helpful all-purpose tag, The Beer Beat.

However, at the end of each month I'll collect the links right here. Following are March's (2018) ruminations, with the oldest listed first. Some of these posts are more topical than others. On occasion, there'll be references to beer in posts using "The Beer Beat" as a label, though not a title. I hope this isn't overly confusing.

Thanks for reading, if belatedly.

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THE BEER BEAT: Taco Steve back at BSB, and a year's hiatus for the Bloomington Craft Beer Festival.

On Saturday, Taco Steve debuted at the freshly painted and recently redubbed Bank Street Brewhouse; the word "cafe" never really sounded right, did it? About a dozen customers were eating and drinking on site when I stopped by around 3:30 p.m. to chat with Heather Morris, who runs the front of the house.

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THE BEER BEAT: Narrower focus, deeper appreciation -- or, a few words about the Pints & Union beer program.

If you're curious about those five fixed taps, here's the way it looks to me today.

Guinness Stout
Pilsner Urquell
Fuller's London Pride
Anchor Porter
Bell's Two Hearted

Conjecture this lineup augmented by (for example) Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier, Tripel Karmeliet, as well as Steve's scrumpy; furthermore, imagine it remaining in place for two months, allowing repeated samplings of the sort that fix lasting and affectionate memories, rather than hurried reviews at a crowd-sourced scrum.

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THE BEER BEAT: Sunday sales in Indiana: "Now that we have today out of the way it's just 7 days a week of normalcy."

Todd "Keg Liquors" Antz contributes this list of media coverage centering on Opening (Sun)Day, 2018.

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THE BEER BEAT: Let's review a few headlines, from Louisville KY (and Indy) Lager to Brimstone Big.

I had a lunch meeting on Friday, and the three of us met at the recently re-refashioned Bank Street Brewhouse for some Taco Steve treats and NABC libations.

Now cast irrevocably as a member of the "former owner" camp, it still feels a bit weird for me to return as a civilian. This said, everything was fine. Taco Steve is impeccable, and the four beer samples all were solid.

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THE BEER BEAT: "Belgian bars put the boot into tourists who steal beer glasses."

At out forthcoming pub Pints & Union, the bottle and can selection will include beers that should be served in specialty glasses. I'll try my best to find generic examples of these, and it will work out. After all, it's about the beer, first and foremost.

Meanwhile, get over to Belgium. Once there, enjoy the excellence of the country's many beer-friendly drinking venues -- and get your shoes back when you leave.

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THE BEER BEAT: Paint your sombreros green, and Erin Go Blagh -- a timeless classic for a green-hued holiday.

Yes, tomorrow it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Time once again to endure the tasteless annual outbursts of shamrock-mounted hokum fueled by wretched green-colored lager, not to mention the inability of many revelers to get the holiday’s nickname right.

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THE BEER BEAT: In search of beerways, with side orders of New Albany Social and Thunder is #SoIN.

The point of this digression?

If the Southern Foodways Alliance chose to include documentation about Louisville KY bartenders, certainly the same notions that preface folkways and foodways also apply to beer, whether as a stand-alone idea or as a subset of either (or both), and yet when I google “beerways,” most of the links that come up are about beer-themed pathways in the sense of scenic highways or bike routes.

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THE BEER BEAT: This is why the classic British-style pub CAN and DOES make it in America.

Logically speaking, there cannot be British (or Irish) pubs in America. They can be British-style and Irish-style, which is why so far during the short life of the Pints & Union project, I've taken great pains to clarify that inspiration is being derived from British pubs.

We're building a pub, not a Disney cookie cutter.

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THE BEER BEAT: England, or one man's heightened cholesterol panic is another man's nostalgic repast (2013).

I found myself hungry for English comfort food and daydreaming about Real Ale, and with the pantry barren of Marmite, made do instead with kippers and my last bottle of Fuller's ESB.

The words of Inspector Morse, classic British television police crime solver, popped into my head.

“The secret of a happy life is to know when to stop – and then go that bit further.”

I was plunged into a reverie about our last trip to the United Kingdom in 2013.

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THE BEER BEAT: A Pints & Union preview video at New Albany Social... plus the new Falls City taproom and a Michael "Beer Hunter" Jackson birthday greeting.

Joe Phillips did a live Facebook video earlier today at Pints & Union, courtesy of Kelly Winslow and her New Albany Social juggernaut. Embedding seems a challenge, so here's New Albany Social video link -- as well as a couple of interior shots (below) from when I ambled past this morning and chatted for a bit with Resch's crew.

___

The PC: McAlpine’s Fusiliers and neutral Ireland.

(Published at LouisvilleBeer.com on March 17, 2014)

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McAlpine’s Fusiliers and neutral Ireland

It is St. Patrick’s Day, time again to endure the tasteless annual outbursts of shamrock-mounted hokum fueled by green-colored lager. The Irish among us somehow manage to tolerate it with good humor and eternal grace, even if the fact remains that a vast majority of American revelers on Amateur’s (Day and) Night Out never give a second thought to the history and culture of the island.

It’s a fascinating story. Ireland’s experience in WWII was the topic of this 2007 essay, originally blogged in 2007, now rewritten and updated.

I've got your green beer on St. Patrick's Day.

I read it once a year, dissolve into laughter, and stay home throughout the day.

Just in time for the holiday: "Erin Go Blah" (a reprint).

Publican's note: "Bar" none, this commentary on the St. Patrick's Day holiday, originally written by bartender Chris Halleron some years back for the “Hot Trub” e-newsletter, is the best I've ever read. Permission to reprint has been provided by the author.

Recently a friend asked if I was free to do something on St. Patrick's Day, but I explained that asking a bartender to take that day off is like asking an accountant to blow off work on April 14. It is the busy season for bartenders, when we get to see all those cheapskate rookies who haven't spent a dime in the bar since they threw up in the corner on New Year's Eve but now decide to poke their heads out of their holes and celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

Gravity Head today, and "Erin Go Blagh".

Saturday, March 17, happens to be the 20th business day at the Pizzeria and Public House during which those beers listed for Gravity Head 2012 are being poured. Right now, there are 11, down from a peak of 20 on opening night ... or was it Founders Night? I can't remember, and that's a reminder of how excellent the event has been this year.

Given prevailing atmospheric conditions during the past three weeks, it is instructive to remember that we pushed the start of Gravity Head into February precisely because doing so would garner better (colder) weather more suitable for strong ales and lagers. The weather's been better for a festival of wheat ales, but we (and you) have persevered.

The ranks have thinned quickly, and today's update can be found here.

Today also is St. Patrick's Day, and always a fitting time to remind readers of the classic commentary called "Erin Go Blah," which for my money remains the definitive statement on the excesses of the holiday. It was written by bartender Chris Halleron some years back for the “Hot Trub” e-newsletter, and permission to reprint has been provided by the author.

Just in time for the holiday: "Erin Go Blah" (a reprint).

More green-free ales for St. Patrick's Day.

Previously, I revealed the Hibernian-inspired Gravity lineup for St. Patrick's Day at NABC's Pizzeria & Public House:

No green shades for a Gravity Head St. Patrick's Day at the Pizzeria & Public House.

That's one Gravity Head-listed keg of beer for each applicable relevant Irish beer color, which does not include the color green:

BBC Sam and Adam's Bustin' Lager
Upland Ard-Ri
Stone Imperial Stout.

No, there'll be no green beer, because that's just disrespectful. Yes, we have draft Guinness. There'll also be these two lower-gravity treats:

NABC Wee Foot ... Jared's session-strength Irish-style Dry Stout
People's Brewing Nine Irish Red Ale ... from our brothers in Lafayette

Just in time for the holiday: "Erin Go Blah" (a reprint).

Publican's note: "Bar" none, this commentary on the St. Patrick's Day holiday, originally written by bartender Chris Halleron some years back for the “Hot Trub” e-newsletter, is the best I've ever read. Permission to reprint has been provided by the author.

----

Recently a friend asked if I was free to do something on St. Patrick's Day, but I explained that asking a bartender to take that day off is like asking an accountant to blow off work on April 14. It is the busy season for bartenders, when we get to see all those cheapskate rookies who haven't spent a dime in the bar since they threw up in the corner on New Year's Eve but now decide to poke their heads out of their holes and celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

While most people celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17, where I come from it seems to last longer than Mardi Gras in N'Awlins (coincidentally, that's also taking place right now). Hoboken, New Jersey, where I tend bar, has its parade the first Saturday of March every year, so as not to compete with the mega-parade across the Hudson in Manhattan on the actual St. Patrick's Day. Other communities in New Jersey spread their celebrations out in the interim, creating one thick fog of overindulgence week after week until finally the corned beef and cabbage comes out and everybody is too sick to eat it.

Normally I'd be all for such a celebration, but for the fact that somebody has to work these things-and once again that somebody is me. While I'm surely preaching to the choir with this column, I'd like to share some misconceptions and social faux pas regarding St. Patrick's Day that I've had the displeasure of observing over years:

· "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons will get you nowhere with the ladies.

· There is no "Official" Beer of St. Patrick's Day. Despite all its recent financial difficulties, the Catholic Church has yet to seek corporate sponsorship of its saints' feast days (though it may only be a matter of time…).

· The same goes for "Official" St. Patrick's Day Headquarters--as if that stinky dive down the street with the broken urinal would actually be the epicenter of the world's St. Patrick's Day celebration.

· Just because Mario's Bar and Grill has a shamrock in the window, it doesn't necessarily make it an Irish bar.

· In most circles, House of Pain's "Jump Around" is not considered traditional Irish music.

· Ask any brewer and they'll tell you--when a beer turns green it's a BAD thing.

· Killian's Irish Red is made in Golden, Colorado, not Enniscorthy, Ireland.

· Killarney's is from St. Louis, Missouri, not Killarney, Ireland.

· The number-one selling lager in Ireland is Budweiser.

· Guinness is most certainly not a microbrewery (I can't make this stuff up--I swear I actually heard someone say that once).

· Asking a bartender to put a shamrock on the top of a well-poured Guinness is like asking Da Vinci to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa.

· Not only is the "Irish Car Bomb" (a pint glass half full of Guinness with a shot glass of Bailey’s and Jameson dropped in) an appalling name for a drink, the waste of Guinness and Jameson in some novelty shooter is nothing short of blasphemy. Save the “Boilermakers” for the Milwaukee’s Best and enjoy a quality beverage the way it's meant to be enjoyed.

· A pint of Guinness takes awhile to be poured properly--if you're in a hurry then order something else.

· Guinness in a plastic cup is a travesty, no matter how busy the bar is.

· The plural of Guinness is Guinness, not Guinnesses.

· More often than not, Irish people (by that, I mean people born and raised in Ireland) couldn't give a rat's arse what town your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather left during the Potato Famine.

· There is no room for a discussion of Irish politics in a crowded bar.

· The stereotype of drunken Irish bar-fighters applies mostly to Irish-Americans.

· The Irish pastime of hurling is not what most people in this country think it means.

· No matter what you may have heard or read, a traditional Irish breakfast DOES NOT consist of a six-pack and a potato.

· No, I'd rather not wear a silly plastic green hat while I'm working, but thanks for the offer.

· There is no "siesta" napping on the bar for St. Patrick's Day--you have that confused with Cinco de Mayo, which is two months away.

· Just because the bar is open all day and all night doesn't necessarily mean you have to be there drinking the whole time.

· Just because you gave me a big tip doesn't give you carte blanche for being an @$$hole!!!

Despite all my bitches, gripes and complaints, I'm well aware that there's a lot of earning of the green that goes along with the wearing of the green. So it looks like I'll once again have to "Er-Grin 'n' Go Bear-it" as I look forward to the pot o' gold at the end o' me rainbow--the long, messy rainbow that it is.

In the meantime, may the road rise to meet the rest o' ye, and Sláinte--from the bitter bollocks behind the bar.

No green shades for a Gravity Head St. Patrick's Day at the Pizzeria & Public House.

In recent years, we've managed to work St. Patrick's Day into the Gravity Head schedule, and 2011 is no exception. On Thursday, March 17, the Pizzeria & Public House will again offer “St. Patrick’s Gravity Day.”

First, a necessary disclaimer.

Lest there be any misunderstandings, which is a quaint way of strongly implying there has been at least one in the past 24 hours, wearing of the green is a good thing, but ingesting green-tinted swill is tantamount to wearing a badge that reads, “I’m neither Irish nor particularly bright – scoff at me.”

The internationally recognized colors of Irish beer are gold, red and black, and on the 17th, in our traditionally understated, minimalist fashion, we’ll be tapping one Gravity-listed keg of beer for each color: BBC Sam and Adam's Bustin' Lager, Upland Ard-Ri, and Stone Imperial Stout. Other, more inauthentic forms of Hibernian revelry will be shunned.

While I have your attention: Don’t forget the third annual Celts on the River concert at the New Albany Riverfront on Saturday, June 18.

No St. Patrick's Day Parade for NABC this year.

Too much has been made of this already, but in the interest of keeping the rumor mill somewhat subdued as the news media continues to contact me, permit me to echo and clarify what was written earlier at Facebook:

NABC, which has been instrumental in helping to organize the forthcoming Celtic Fest on New Albany’s riverfront (Saturday, June 12, 2010), and which participated in the past two St. Patrick’s Day parades in Louisville without incident, completely accepts that the Ancient Order of Hibernians and its President, Mark Wakefield, can run its annual parade as it sees fit.

Accordingly, we learned on Tuesday morning that we cannot participate this year. Ostensibly, this is because BBC (Main & Clay) is the sole beer sponsor of the parade – even though BBC approved of our presence!

Truthfully, this is a “Que sera, sera” sort of development. To paraphrase former Beatle and the late George Harrison, “We’ll play what they want, or we won't play at all.”

We are serene about it, and the very last thing I want to see happen is some ridiculous inference about BBC this, Hibernians that, or whatever makes the rounds. NABC’s last-minute exclusion from this year’s parade obviously owes to internal Hibernian matters that we, as Hoosier outsiders, are in no position to fathom, and so be it.

Surely at times our Southern Indiana politics are indecipherably Byzantine to Louisvillians, as is the case at each bimonthly New Albany city council meeting.

Forget St. Paddy’s, and remember to put June 12 on your calendars. The second annual Celtic Fest promises to be a great musical party day in NA, and we promise that members of the Hibernians are welcome to come drink, eat and play in our sandbox! Our big tent will be open for business.

NABC and Saturday's St. Patrick's Day Parade in Louisville.

On Saturday, we loaded up a vintage fire truck (with swimming pool, but not filled with water) and participated in the annual St. Patrick's Parade on the Baxter/Bardstown Rd corridor in Louisville. It began on Broadway at 3:00 p.m. and ends at the Mid City Mall a couple of hours later.

As you'll notice from the photos above, the three or so hours of rain that fell Saturday coincided perfectly with the time we spent standing atop the fire truck.

But it was fun, and look for future recurrences.

"Erin Go Blah" - a reprint.

Publican's note: "Bar" none, this commentary on the St. Patrick's Day holiday, originally written by bartender Chris Halleron some years back for the “Hot Trub” e-newsletter, is the best I've ever read. Permission to reprint has been provided by the author.

----

Recently a friend asked if I was free to do something on the weekend of March (16-17), but I explained that asking a bartender to take those days off is like asking an accountant to blow off work on April 14. It is the busy season for bartenders, when we get to see all those cheapskate rookies who haven't spent a dime in the bar since they threw up in the corner on New Year's Eve but now decide to poke their heads out of their holes and celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

While most people celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17, where I come from it seems to last longer than Mardi Gras in N'Awlins (coincidentally, that's also taking place right now). Hoboken, New Jersey, where I tend bar, has its parade the first Saturday of March every year, so as not to compete with the mega-parade across the Hudson in Manhattan on the actual St. Patrick's Day. Other communities in New Jersey spread their celebrations out in the interim, creating one thick fog of overindulgence week after week until finally the corned beef and cabbage comes out and everybody is too sick to eat it.

Normally I'd be all for such a celebration, but for the fact that somebody has to work these things-and once again that somebody is me. While I'm surely preaching to the choir with this column, I'd like to share some misconceptions and social faux pas regarding St. Patrick's Day that I've had the displeasure of observing over years:

· "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons will get you nowhere with the ladies.

· There is no "Official" Beer of St. Patrick's Day. Despite all its recent financial difficulties, the Catholic Church has yet to seek corporate sponsorship of its saints' feast days (though it may only be a matter of time…).

· The same goes for "Official" St. Patrick's Day Headquarters--as if that stinky dive down the street with the broken urinal would actually be the epicenter of the world's St. Patrick's Day celebration.

· Just because Mario's Bar and Grill has a shamrock in the window, it doesn't necessarily make it an Irish bar.

· In most circles, House of Pain's "Jump Around" is not considered traditional Irish music.

· Ask any brewer and they'll tell you--when a beer turns green it's a BAD thing.

· Killian's Irish Red is made in Golden, Colorado, not Enniscorthy, Ireland.

· Killarney's is from St. Louis, Missouri, not Killarney, Ireland.

· The number-one selling lager in Ireland is Budweiser.

· Guinness is most certainly not a microbrewery (I can't make this stuff up--I swear I actually heard someone say that once).

· Asking a bartender to put a shamrock on the top of a well-poured Guinness is like asking Da Vinci to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa.

· Not only is the "Irish Car Bomb" (a pint glass half full of Guinness with a shot glass of Bailey’s and Jameson dropped in) an appalling name for a drink, the waste of Guinness and Jameson in some novelty shooter is nothing short of blasphemy. Save the “Boilermakers” for the Milwaukee’s Best and enjoy a quality beverage the way it's meant to be enjoyed.

· A pint of Guinness takes awhile to be poured properly--if you're in a hurry then order something else.

· Guinness in a plastic cup is a travesty, no matter how busy the bar is.

· The plural of Guinness is Guinness, not Guinnesses.

· More often than not, Irish people (by that, I mean people born and raised in Ireland) couldn't give a rat's arse what town your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather left during the Potato Famine.

· There is no room for a discussion of Irish politics in a crowded bar.

· The stereotype of drunken Irish bar-fighters applies mostly to Irish-Americans.

· The Irish pastime of hurling is not what most people in this country think it means.

· No matter what you may have heard or read, a traditional Irish breakfast DOES NOT consist of a six-pack and a potato.

· No, I'd rather not wear a silly plastic green hat while I'm working, but thanks for the offer.

· There is no "siesta" napping on the bar for St. Patrick's Day--you have that confused with Cinco de Mayo, which is two months away.

· Just because the bar is open all day and all night doesn't necessarily mean you have to be there drinking the whole time.

· Just because you gave me a big tip doesn't give you carte blanche for being an @$$hole!!!

Despite all my bitches, gripes and complaints, I'm well aware that there's a lot of earning of the green that goes along with the wearing of the green. So it looks like I'll once again have to "Er-Grin 'n' Go Bear-it" as I look forward to the pot o' gold at the end o' me rainbow--the long, messy rainbow that it is.

In the meantime, may the road rise to meet the rest o' ye, and Sláinte--from the bitter bollocks behind the bar.

Now for the last word on green beer -- at least until next year, when the campaign against inanity will begin anew.

Say no to green beer: Establishments honor St. Paddy with their own Irish beverages, by Susan Reigler (March 17, Louisville Courier-Journal).

Whoever came up with the idea of putting green food coloring in beer for St. Paddy's should be roundly reviled. (Note to Pope Benedict XVI: You're German. You know from good beer. Can't you issue an edict banning green brew? St. Patrick deserves some respect.)

Speaking of the Pope, and if I’m not mistaken, his favored beer reportedly is Bavarian Hefe-Weizen. Let’s hope there are no lemons, limes or kiwi fruit on the rim of the Holy Chalice.

As a postscript to St. Patrick's Day, and reaching into the mail bag, here’s what regular reader Jay had to say about a recent foray into uncivilized local beer drinking territory:

I stopped at Tumbleweed with some friends and we sat down and were ordering drinks. I pointed at the picture of bottles on the menu and asked if these were the beer list. The waiter said, "pretty much," so I asked about their draft list. He told me they were having a 99 cent special on their domestic drafts! I asked what was on -- Bud Light, Miller Lite and Killian’s. Oh, boy! I asked for a Killian’s. He said - "now you won't get that for 99 cents, that's just for the domestics." I said that is domestic. He said something that he just made up, but by that time I'd stopped listening anyway.

Of course, Killian's Irish Red is made by Coors and is not an import. I’ve never been able to determine why bar managers stand to benefit from ignorance, since providing accurate information is such a large part of all business in this day and age.

Keep truckin’, Jay – just steer clear of the ‘Weed.

Real beer for St. Patrick’s Day at NABC.

Saturday, March 17 is St. Patrick’s Day, and at NABC, along with Gravity Head (weekend two) and NCAA basketball, it adds up to something we’re not entirely able to predict until it hits. But why quibble? My solution is to have genuinely good beer on hand.

As a reminder to the reality-impaired, wearing of the green is one thing, but drinking it is something else entirely, and not at all explicable. Ingesting green-tinted swill is tantamount to wearing a badge that reads, “I’m neither Irish nor particularly bright – scoff at me.”

Rest assured. I do.

Note also that the only green-colored beer available for St. Patrick’s Day will be bottled Berliner Weiss with fluorescent woodruff syrup. That won’t stop people from asking for the dyed variety. After all, we can’t all be clever.

If you’ve ever actually been to Ireland, you know that the accepted colors of Irish beer are black, red and gold, and in our traditionally minimalist fashion, we’ll be offering color-coded kegs of each (two Gravity Head listed selections, and one not) while shunning other, more egregious forms of non-Hibernian revelry. Here they are:

Bell's Expedition Stout (cask hand-pull; firkin; 11.5%)
The oft-repeated adage holds that while the Arabs invented distillation, it took the Irish to perfect it. Don't get it? Think: “From perfume, to whisky.” In much the same fashion, Imperial Stout improves in almost hallucinogenic fashion upon the “dry” Irish model. Drawing it from a cask in the traditional manner is just icing on the cake.

Upland Ard-Ri Imperial Irish-style Red Ale (9%)
Up the road in Bloomington, Indiana, our compatriots at Upland have produced another version of their annual homage to … well, let’s permit Wikipedia to answer:

• High King of Ireland (Irish:
  Ard Rí na hÉireann) refers to legendary, pagan kings of Tara. It also refers to
  later kings, who were, depending on the period, either the most powerful king of
  their day, or, in later times, exercised authority over most of Ireland.

Rogue Kell’s Irish Lager (circa 5%)
In essence, a Harp Lager clone, but fuller-bodied, engagingly smooth and crisp, and coming from one of my favorite breweries in the world.

Beer in today's LEO.

(For a current Gravity Head 2007 update, go here)

Beer takes center stage in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) today. First up is Robin Garr, who attended last week's Extreme Belgian beer dinner at the Bistro New Albany and reports on the pairings.

Critic yells ‘beer me’ as suds go upscale, by Robin Garr.

If you don’t think there’s any class distinction between wine and beer, you might consider whether you’ve even seen a drunk slouch into a bar and yell, “Wine me!” Beer, let’s face it, owns a downscale, blue-collar image that contrasts with wine’s perceived position as the drink the beautiful people sip.

But need this be so? In an age when artisanal brewpubs and microbreweries abound and the term “quality American beer” is no longer an oxymoron, it’s arguable that beer — fine, crafted beer made in a wide variety of styles — deserves as much connoisseurish attention as wine enthusiasts are accustomed to lavishing on their grape juice.

Also, Sara Havens takes a righteous stand against green beer even as elsewhere in the newspaper, regular advertisers like Fourth Street Live shamelessly tout algae-colored clueless lotion for the yokels to consume on St. Patrick's Day.

The Bar Belle: The tragedy that is green beer, by Sara Havens.

Friends don’t let friends drink green beer. Seriously. Don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. If you have to, order a bottle … or a Guinness … or a Harp … to commemorate St. Patrick’s Day. Just don’t walk around with a goofy grin and a pint of syrupy green sludge that leaves stains all over your face. It looks like you just blew a leprechaun. Or had a threesome with Papa Smurf and Homer Simpson.

ERIN GO BLAH.

(For a current Gravity Head 2007 update, go here)

Publican's note: Bar none, this commentary on the St. Patrick's Day holiday, originally written by bartender Chris Halleron some years back for the “Hot Trub” e-newsletter, is the best I've ever read.

Permission to reprint has been provided by the author.

----

Recently a friend asked if I was free to do something on the weekend of March (16-17), but I explained that asking a bartender to take those days off is like asking an accountant to blow off work on April 14. It is the busy season for bartenders, when we get to see all those cheapskate rookies who haven't spent a dime in the bar since they threw up in the corner on New Year's Eve but now decide to poke their heads out of their holes and celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

While most people celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17, where I come from it seems to last longer than Mardi Gras in N'Awlins (coincidentally, that's also taking place right now). Hoboken, New Jersey, where I tend bar, has its parade the first Saturday of March every year, so as not to compete with the mega-parade across the Hudson in Manhattan on the actual St. Patrick's Day. Other communities in New Jersey spread their celebrations out in the interim, creating one thick fog of overindulgence week after week until finally the corned beef and cabbage comes out and everybody is too sick to eat it.

Normally I'd be all for such a celebration, but for the fact that somebody has to work these things-and once again that somebody is me. While I'm surely preaching to the choir with this column, I'd like to share some misconceptions and social faux pas regarding St. Patrick's Day that I've had the displeasure of observing over years:

· "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons will get you nowhere with the ladies.

· There is no "Official" Beer of St. Patrick's Day. Despite all its recent financial difficulties, the Catholic Church has yet to seek corporate sponsorship of its saints' feast days (though it may only be a matter of time…).

· The same goes for "Official" St. Patrick's Day Headquarters--as if that stinky dive down the street with the broken urinal would actually be the epicenter of the world's St. Patrick's Day celebration.

· Just because Mario's Bar and Grill has a shamrock in the window, it doesn't necessarily make it an Irish bar.

· In most circles, House of Pain's "Jump Around" is not considered traditional Irish music.

· Ask any brewer and they'll tell you--when a beer turns green it's a BAD thing.

· Killian's Irish Red is made in Golden, Colorado, not Enniscorthy, Ireland.

· Killarney's is from St. Louis, Missouri, not Killarney, Ireland.

· The number-one selling lager in Ireland is Budweiser.

· Guinness is most certainly not a microbrewery (I can't make this stuff up--I swear I actually heard someone say that once).

· Asking a bartender to put a shamrock on the top of a well-poured Guinness is like asking Da Vinci to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa.

· Not only is the "Irish Car Bomb" (a pint glass half full of Guinness with a shot glass of Bailey’s and Jameson dropped in) an appalling name for a drink, the waste of Guinness and Jameson in some novelty shooter is nothing short of blasphemy. Save the “Boilermakers” for the Milwaukee’s Best and enjoy a quality beverage the way it's meant to be enjoyed.

· A pint of Guinness takes awhile to be poured properly--if you're in a hurry then order something else.

· Guinness in a plastic cup is a travesty, no matter how busy the bar is.

· The plural of Guinness is Guinness, not Guinnesses.

· More often than not, Irish people (by that, I mean people born and raised in Ireland) couldn't give a rat's arse what town your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather left during the Potato Famine.

· There is no room for a discussion of Irish politics in a crowded bar.

· The stereotype of drunken Irish bar-fighters applies mostly to Irish-Americans.

· The Irish pastime of hurling is not what most people in this country think it means.

· No matter what you may have heard or read, a traditional Irish breakfast DOES NOT consist of a six-pack and a potato.

· No, I'd rather not wear a silly plastic green hat while I'm working, but thanks for the offer.

· There is no "siesta" napping on the bar for St. Patrick's Day--you have that confused with Cinco de Mayo, which is two months away.

· Just because the bar is open all day and all night doesn't necessarily mean you have to be there drinking the whole time.

· Just because you gave me a big tip doesn't give you carte blanche for being an @$$hole!!!

Despite all my bitches, gripes and complaints, I'm well aware that there's a lot of earning of the green that goes along with the wearing of the green. So it looks like I'll once again have to "Er-Grin 'n' Go Bear-it" as I look forward to the pot o' gold at the end o' me rainbow--the long, messy rainbow that it is.

In the meantime, may the road rise to meet the rest o' ye, and Sláinte--from the bitter bollocks behind the bar.