Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Sicilian vodka? I'd much rather have Icelandic gumbo.

The word "vodka" is Slavic. It is a diminutive form of the word for water ("voda"), or Little Water, which surely is a prime instance of history having fun with words: Little water, big drunk.

Historically -- and this should come as no surprise -- vodka was produced in the "vodka belt," an area comprising Russia, Poland (where the languages are Slavic), other bits of east-central Europe, and Scandinavia.

In the Soviet Union, chronic vodka misuse became an epidemic. Mikhail Gorbachev placed restrictions on its production and sale, moving the rotgut underground, and culminating with the dissolution of the country.

Like I've said before, prohibition just never works out like you'd hoped.

Breathless (and vapid) public relations copy makes me want to retch in the best of times, but here's one that caused me to curse aloud, because what the fuck is Sicilian about vodka in the first place, and who cares which "top-shelf" distributors get the contract?

Answers: Absolutely nothing, and no one.

BiVi Sicilian Vodka Unveils "Top-Shelf" Distributors

NEW YORK, Sept. 1, 2015 /PRNewswire/ -- BiVi Sicilian Vodka, a subsidiary of Iconic Brands (OTC PINK: ICNB) announced today its current list of "top-shelf" distributors. These companies represent some of the most prestigious wine and spirit distributors in the nation and will help to further increase brand awareness and rapid penetration for BiVi Sicilian Vodka in the U.S. With the end of its first business quarter, BiVi Sicilian Vodka unveils the following key regional distributors ...

(Embarrassingly fawning promotional drivel omitted)

About BiVi Sicilian Vodka

Launched in the summer of 2015, BiVi Sicilian Vodka is a subsidiary of Iconic Brands (OTC PINK: ICNB). Produced in an "old world" artisan distillery in Messina Sicily, BiVi Sicilian Vodka is hand-crafted with Sicily's local pristine waters and semolina wheat. It is fired using the finest Sicilian fruitwoods from Blood Orange and Lemon trees. The super-premium spirit is the first-of-its-kind 100% Sicilian vodka available state side. The brand's celebrity spokesperson, legendary actor Chazz Palminteri, have joined forces to raise awareness for the product as it becomes available across the U.S. Share an olive. Share the tradition. Drink BiVi.

Of course, it is "handcrafted," lest "top-shelf" becomes disillusioned. But seriously: It matters what sort of wood is used to fire the pot?

Partial credit is awarded for having a "celebrity spokesperson" who at least can boast a Sicilian family history.

Except that there's nothing Sicilian about vodka.

Now grappa ... that's another story.

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