It doesn't matter whether Guy Fieri's new Louisville restaurant has good beer because none of us will be going there anyway.

Not if Cordish can help it. 

Otherwise sensible people lost their minds earlier today when celebrity chef Guy Fieri announced the opening of a "Smokehouse" eatery within the friendly, taxpayer-subsidized confines of Louisville's Fourth Street Live.

That he did so during an event entitled Hometown Tourist Attraction Showcase tells us that irony resistance is at an all-time high.

Needless to say, independent eateries and watering holes enjoy no such coddled treatment, and if you look at Fieri's web site, and this list of his brands, you'll see that when it comes to opening new restaurants, he minimizes risk at every opportunity.

GUY FIERI’S AMERICAN KITCHEN + BAR: CANCUN
Cancun International Airport, Mexico

EL BURRO BORRACHO
Harrah's Casino, Laughlin NV

GUY FIERI’S BALTIMORE KITCHEN & BAR
Horseshoe Casino, Baltimore MD

GUY FIERI’S MT POCONO KITCHEN
Mount Airy Casino, Mt. Pocono PA

GUY FIERI’S CHOPHOUSE
Bally's Atlantic City Casino, NJ

GUY FIERI’S VEGAS KITCHEN & BAR
The Linq Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas NV

GUY’S BURGER JOINT
Carnival Cruise Lines and Live Nation venues:
Carnival Breeze
Carnival Conquest
Carnival Freedom
Carnival Glory
Carnival Liberty
Carnival Pride
Carnival Sunshine
Carnival Triumph
Carnival Vista

Sleep Train Amphitheater – Chula Vista, CA
Shoreline Amphitheater – Mountain View, CA
Xfinity Theater – Hartford, CT
Jiffy Lube Live – Bristow, VA
MidFlorida Credit Union Amphitheater – Tampa, FL
Perfect Vodka Amphitheater – West Palm Beach, FL
Hollywood Casino Amphitheater – Tinley Park, IL
Klipsch Music Center, Noblesvile, IN
Hollywood Casino Amphitheater – St. Louis, MO
BB&T Pavillion – Camden, NJ
Nikon at Jones Beach Theatre – Long Island, NY
Blossom Music Center – Cuyahoga Falls, OH
First Niagara Pavilion – Pittsburgh, PA
Gexa Energy Pavilion – Dallas, TX
Veterans United Home Loans Amphitheater – Virginia Beach, VA
White River Amphitheater – Auburn, WA

Can you say CAPTIVE AUDIENCES?

Of course, the Curmudgeon isn't saying any of this makes Fieri a bad businessman. However, in the case of Fourth Street Live, government subsidies to Cordish -- which generally favors chains and routinely dismisses the indie ethos -- always have been disturbing, and in Louisville's case, with an indie food and drink community second to none, watching the soulless local media fawning today over an interloper whose business model is as corporate as fix-is-in ever gets, speaks volumes about integrity ... and its absence.

You'll notice I left one of Fieri's restaurants off the above list.

It's Guy's American Kitchen and Bar in New York City, the only one of his branded establishments not attached to a casino, airport, cruise ship, performance venue or Cordish corporate welfare emporium.

It had a rocky start. Surely you remember the New York Times review of Guy's American Kitchen and Bar in 2012.

As Not Seen on TV: Restaurant Review: Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square, by Pete Wells (New York Times)

GUY FIERI, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square? Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar and ordered a meal? Did you eat the food? Did it live up to your expectations?

Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex? When you saw the burger described as “Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,” did your mind touch the void for a minute?

Did you notice that the menu was an unreliable predictor of what actually came to the table? Were the “bourbon butter crunch chips” missing from your Almond Joy cocktail, too? Was your deep-fried “boulder” of ice cream the size of a standard scoop?

What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy’s Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy’s, in any meaningful sense?

Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are?

I'm rolling on the floor laughing out loud. No, I mean literally.

But forget all that. Can we expect to see good beer at Guy Fieri's Cordish Smokehouse in Louisville? Maybe, though probably not.

Here's the list at Fieri's Vegas location.

Not awful, though evincing no intelligent designer. When's the last time you saw a restaurant beer list, chain or indie, that looked genuinely thoughtful? They exist, but can be hard to find.

More humorously, Fieri's much maligned NYC tourist route location promises "an extensive draft beer program featuring signature beers craft brewed for Fieri right in New York City."

Nice, except it would appear this novel twist owes to the fact that Heartland Brewery's CEO is a partner in the Times Square venture, and that's odd, because Heartland Brewery isn't mentioned anywhere on the drinks page.

Embarrassment?

Did A-B InBev tithe more?

"Guy's Beer" NYC selections include Independence Pale Ale, Golden State Lager, Red, White & Blonde, Morgan’s Red Ale and Oatmeal Stout. Also available on the "extensive" tap list: A lone seasonal beer, Angry Orchard Cider and Coors Light.

But don't forget the bottle list: Budweiser, Bud Light, Miller High Life, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Rolling Rock, Good Grain Gluten-Free (Heartland) and Beck’s Non Alcoholic.

Extensive? You be the judge.

Yes, you bet your ass I'm being derisive. Bring on the tour buses. Guy's bringing corporate fluff straight to River City -- and Cordish is billing Greg Fischer for the privilege.

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Every state in the USA, ranked by its beer narcissism quotient. How very unexciting.

Hey look: It's a state by state ranking of "craft" beer, based entirely on highly-rated beers desired by beer narcissists.

How incredibly useful.

Not.

It would make better sense, and be far more relevant, to rank states based on an aggregate index seeking to gauge the prevalence of good beer on a daily basis. Establishing rankings based on beers that aren't always available means little. Rather, it's the daily reality: Are good beers available? Where? How far away are they?

I'd take the time to compile such a list ... if I had the time.

Every State in the USA, Ranked by its Beer, by Ben Robinson, Andy Kryza and Matt Lynch

Here's the 2013 craft beer list for Great American Ball Park in Cincinnati.

The Louisville Bats are the AAA subsidiary of the major league Cincinnati Reds.

In more ways than one, unfortunately.

It's another year, and fairly soon we'll know if it will be another sad campaign of craft beer underachievement for Louisville Slugger Field and Centerplate, its concessionaire. As you contemplate the bare minimum beer options perennially offered by the Bats, read about what's available 90 minutes up the road at Great American Ballpark. Take it away, Ian at his BeerQuestABV blog.

Great American Ball Park Craft Beer List.

Last week I talked about how more craft is coming
to the baseball field in Cincinnati, and what
Sportservice, the people who manage the concessions,
are doing to make it more of a focus. This week,
I'll be giving out a list of what's available at
various sections around the park, and also shedding
a light on what influenced the list.

RiverRoots, a music festival with a great craft beer lineup.

New name, same great weekend in Madison, Indiana: RiverRoots festival runs May 18-20, with Indiana craft beer.

As best I can determine, here's the draft beer list for the craft beer tent at RiverRoots this coming weekend. How many regional music festivals can boast a lineup like this one?

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Great Crescent Brewery

Aurora, Indiana

Cherry Ale

A lightly hopped, all-malt ale that receives a load of tart cherries in the secondary fermentation, producing a flavorful beer, balanced and not overpowering with fruit. The cherries are from orchards of the American Midwest, and are along the same variety as cherries used for Belgian Kriekbiers.
ABV:  5.7%
IBU:   18

Coconut Porter

A distinctive American interpretation of classic English Style Porter, with coconut added during the boil to give this beer a unique, nutty flavor that blends perfectly with the style.
ABV:  5.6%
IBU:   32.9

Witbier

Refreshingly crisp, wheat-based ale with a slightly dry, tart finish. It has moderate sweetness with spicy aromas and a hint of coriander and citrus. This beer is very light in color with a dense, white head and some cloudiness from a special yeast strain.  
ABV:  5.1%
IBU:   14

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New Albanian Brewing Company

New Albany, Indiana

Black & Blue Grass

The great Bill Monroe described his bluegrass music as "Scottish bagpipes and ole-time fiddlin'. It’s Methodist and Holiness and Baptist. It's blues and jazz, and it has a high lonesome sound." Belgian yeast from De Struise, and stateside Saison spicing: Black pepper and blue agave and lemongrass.

ABV: 6.5%

IBU: 18

Community Dark

Inspired by traditional English Mild, the style that fueled the workers who made the Industrial Revolution, Community Dark is revolutionary in its own way: Dark-colored but light-bodied, and a classic session ale.

ABV: 3.7%

IBU: 13

Yakima Rye IPA

NABC’s hophead Brewmaster says, “Yakima is simple in design: This beer is for me, here in the land of no coast. After many years of liquid research, the time came to satisfy my inner desire to craft a Rye IPA so immaculate that it would ‘up’ our revolution even further. Mission accomplished.”

ABV: 7.5%
IBU: 130 

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Sun King Brewery

Indianapolis, Indiana

Osiris Pale Ale

An assertively hopped West Coast style of Pale Ale. Every aspect of this beer is designed to showcase the hops without overpowering your taste buds.

ABV: 5.6%

IBU: 50

Sunlight Cream Ale

Our most approachable beer. A smooth malt profile and a crisp, clean finish.

ABV: 5.3%

IBU: 20

Wee Mac

This Scottish-style Brown Ale has a nice hazelnut character with rich toffee undertones

ABV: 5.3%

IBU: 23

Mobreki Brewery

Madison, Indiana

(Beers to be determined)

Upland Brewing Company

Bloomington, Indiana

Preservation Pilsner

Preservation Pilsner is brewed in the traditional Bohemian style, originally created in the town of Pilsen in 1842, and offers a crisp, light taste without sacrificing its signature all-malt, mellow flavor. We age our Pilsner for an entire month.

ABV: 5.2%

IBU: 36

Schwarz Black Lager

Schwarzbier (black beer) originated in medieval Germany, and our take on this ancient lager delivers hints of chocolate and coffee, courtesy of its dark malts, with a strong nose and a clean finish, striking the right balance of robust and crisp, with enough bitterness to accentuate but not overpower.

ABV: 5.3%

IBU: 25

Wheat Ale

A classic rendition of the Belgian Witbier (white beer), brewed with organic coriander, chamomile, and orange peel to be light on the tongue and refreshingly tart. In the tradition of the Belgian Wit style, it is unfiltered, allowing suspended yeast to create a cloudy, golden appearance.

ABV: 4.5%

IBU: 12